Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
