Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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