last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
