Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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