Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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