The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
