I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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