I murdered the dance floor call the cops
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
