He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
