I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
