I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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