The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
