And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
