Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
