and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
