Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
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