If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
