I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
