i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
