We named our party play list daddy issues
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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