I'm jealous of your bromance
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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