i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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