sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
