I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
