She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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