I am in a vortex of obligation.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
