Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I forget how to act sober
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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