mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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