im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
