i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
