True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
