Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
