Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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