apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
