i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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