Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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