Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
