So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Randomize
