Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
