I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
