is your mom at the bar?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
