Christians are straight up FREAKS
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
