So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
