Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
