I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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