A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
