The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
His hands were made for my vagina.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
