Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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