My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
me + whiskey = a bad person
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
