does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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