I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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