my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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