Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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