took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
